Diana.nu

My brain has atrophied. Hard.

I can’t read and I can’t think. It always feels like my head is filled with cotton balls. There’s some good stuff in there, I just can’t get to it.

I can’t talk, for fuck’s sake. A new thing I’ve noticed myself doing is doubting myself after having spoken.

Saying something

“I have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow. I hope I don’t have any cavities.”

Freaking out

Dentist’s appointment. DENTIST’S appointment. Is that correct? It’s not an appointment for the dentist. It’s my appointment. To see the dentist. I should have said “dentist appointment.” Right? Have I heard people saying that? Now I can’t remember what people say. OH MY GOD. Is “appointment” a real word?

“I hope I don’t have any cavities”? Was that a weird way to phrase it? Would “I hope I have no cavities” be better? No, that sounds worse. Still sounds awkward. “Cavities”? That cant’ be a word. Why am I making things up?

All right, calm down

Then I feel a tinge of “Why are these people not correcting me? They’re letting me make a fool of myself.”

Gotta relax. I hope the English class I have next semester whips me into shape.

(“Whips me into shape”? Oh, that just can’t be a real phrase.)

I really don’t like how forgetful I am. Things I am told a second ago are lost on me a second later.

I’ll be on a website, which will remind me to look up something. “Oh, I’ll remember later.”

NOPE. DO NOT REMEMBER.

It’s also hard when someone tells me two things at once. “Get me the keys and a bottle of water.”

I’ll try to keep it in my head by going keyswaterkeywaterkeyswaterkeyswaterkeyswaterkeys, but that does not work. It ends up being a slur and by the time I get to where the keys are, I will have forgotten everything.

I think I should carry a notepad everywhere.

It’s really fun to take personality tests and read about yourself and think “That is so right, hah!”

It gets depressing when you read about certain traits you have that you don’t like. You assumed they were universal and nothing to worry about. But seeing them filed under your type and only your type makes you feel like a bad person. Seeing them written down, black text on a white page, makes it seem less confusing. More definite. You are unappealing.

You should do something. But it described you perfectly. That is how you are. It’s how you think, all the time. How would you change that?

It’s like trying to unlearn your first language, isn’t it?