Diana.nu

I start English class tomorrow, and earlier today, I was dreading it. 99% of the dreading was ’cause apparently I’m more into English than others. (But I hope this is a good class, since it has at least one prerequisite, so someone wouldn’t be there unless they wanted to be there.)

Anyway, laterrrr today (later than my dreading), I went to the library and got a lot a lot a lot of books. My mom took advantage of the situation, and suggested one of her favorite books full of short stories. I said, “Yeah, okay!”

I read this really nice Guatemalan story about Hermano Pedro. It was eight pages long. It took me over an hour.

My mom sat next to me, and helped me with definitions and pronunciations and figurative expressions. I felt slow. I found myself saying things like:

• What? That’s a big word. Why couldn’t he just say this?
• What was the point of that? (Not the story. Rather, a phrase or something.)
• Would there have been a difference if he had said this phrase this way instead of that way?

When we were done, I came to two conclusions.

The first one is: I’m going to read more in Spanish. I need the practice, most obviously.

The second is that I since I now know what it’s like to be confused while reading (I have had previous issues with reading, too), I would stop being angry at others in class.

But I still really hope everyone is on top of it tomorrow.

My brain has atrophied. Hard.

I can’t read and I can’t think. It always feels like my head is filled with cotton balls. There’s some good stuff in there, I just can’t get to it.

I can’t talk, for fuck’s sake. A new thing I’ve noticed myself doing is doubting myself after having spoken.

Saying something

“I have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow. I hope I don’t have any cavities.”

Freaking out

Dentist’s appointment. DENTIST’S appointment. Is that correct? It’s not an appointment for the dentist. It’s my appointment. To see the dentist. I should have said “dentist appointment.” Right? Have I heard people saying that? Now I can’t remember what people say. OH MY GOD. Is “appointment” a real word?

“I hope I don’t have any cavities”? Was that a weird way to phrase it? Would “I hope I have no cavities” be better? No, that sounds worse. Still sounds awkward. “Cavities”? That cant’ be a word. Why am I making things up?

All right, calm down

Then I feel a tinge of “Why are these people not correcting me? They’re letting me make a fool of myself.”

Gotta relax. I hope the English class I have next semester whips me into shape.

(“Whips me into shape”? Oh, that just can’t be a real phrase.)

I’m out of control.

I swore to myself that I wouldn’t touch this mbp until I finished a book. I’m blaming it for my inability to read lately. Yet, guess what I’m typing on.

Someone stop me. Stop me. I’m spiraling.